Love: Which Language do You Speak?

A heart shape made out of paint splatters

It’s About Keeping the Old Love Tank Full

I have worked with many couples as a therapist and it is helpful to have tools for them to work on at home.  I always recommend the book The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.

This is one of the many books Dr. Chapman has written on the topic of love languages. As a relationship counselor he recognized there are specific needs people have in a partnership that must be met in order for a person to feel loved and appreciated. Five primary needs seemed to come up repeatedly in couples counseling. These themes make up the foundation of the 5 Love Languages.


The 5 Love Languages


words of affirmation

Words of Affirmation

This individual needs to hear “I love you” and other affirming words from their partner. Positive words spoken or written help this person feel loved and cherished in the relationship. Compliments and appreciation voiced out loud are worth their weight in gold, and negative statements really pack a punch.


man snowblowing

Acts of Service

Actions speak louder than words for this person. Show your love by helping with the dishes, laundry, or changing the oil in the car and filling it up with gas. This is my main love language, and this picture speaks a thousand words here in Wisconsin with winter just around the corner!


Two presents with heart gift wrapping

Receiving Gifts

Dr. Chapman says an actual gift is what makes this person feel valued. This love language may seem materialistic, but it isn’t.  A present chosen with thought and care, regardless of the cost, means their significant other was willing to make an investment. And that’s what counts here.




a couple walking on the beach

Quality Time

Spending time together is what makes this person tick. Date night, watching a movie together, even preparing dinner side by side meet the main love needs of this individual. Being there for them when they need you, and following through on commitments are crucial.


picture of the back of a couple sitting on a bench

Physical Touch

Every day physical contact–hugs, holding hands, sitting by their love on the couch–is this person’s greatest need in a relationship. Intimacy in the bedroom is important, but so are random displays of affection while going about the day.


Find out your primary love language by taking the assessment on the 5 Love Languages website. Learn Your Love Language Here

You will also find Dr. Chapman’s array of books on this topic, including one specifically for him and one for her, for sale on the website.


Anything that helps a couple learn about each other’s needs is worth investing in. Feeling valued and fulfilled is necessary for a partnership to keep growing. Knowing what your partner needs gives you the opportunity to keep their love tank full!

Share with us any tools you are aware of that help couples stay connected in the comments below.

Till next time, Sandra


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